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|Main Email||Bdoyl21@gmail.com||Full Name||Brandan Doyle|
This is a story of my life, take sometime to read it, or not, entirely up to you. But, I warn you once you start you will not want to stop...
Chapter I: The Prologue
It all started with a girl, but we will get to that in a little while. This is a story about my first experience with relationships; I am not going to go through why my story is any different to any other this is just my side behind a very stressful situation. In Hollywood Movies they tend to portray the male as a heartless and soulless prick who doesn�t care about the girl and nine times out of ten is the cause of anything bad that happens in the girl�s life, that the man is not supposed to care about relationships and is only after girls for their assets. However, this story will prove the opposite that sometimes it is the girl that turns out to be the �player�.
I was born and raised in a small town named Gladstone and had lived there my entire life. Growing up was easy for me, I had a lot of luxuries, I didn�t work, but still had an income, I attended school and had friends, life was easy. I was raised by my father mainly, my parents were divorced, but my father was easy going and basically gave both me and my sister what we wanted, though I wasn�t completely spoilt. At my mother�s house she taught us morals and life values, teaching us that if we wanted something in life we had to work for it and earn it. Having both luxuries and these life values allowed me to remain with a high morale.
At school I was trusted by most teachers; I did all my work in class and was getting moderate to high grades. I didn�t do homework, and I left most assignments till the last minute, yet I was still getting good grades. For most of my years at school, I hung out with this one group, which I had been a part of since grade one. We usually spent our lunches playing sport or screwing around talking about, what we did on our weekends or what we are planning for the weekends. I was the brains of the group, everyone usually looked towards me for knowledge, I was also the group clown, managing to make almost anyone laugh within the group.
At home, I lived mainly with my father. I stayed over my mother�s house whenever he was working up until I was the age of eighteen when I had moved into my father�s house. The neighbourhood I lived in was a small cul-de-sac, the neighbours were quiet and I lived two doors away from my best friend, I had known him since I was three. We had gotten up to a lot of mischief when were kids, running around the street, no computers, just us running around using our imagination and some destructive tools to our disposal, which we took from my father on occasion.
In the year of 2007 I had moved into a new house, leaving my once well-known neighbourhood behind and moving to a new. The new neighbourhood was foreign to me; we lived on a hill, not much room to roam around. Our backyard was extremely small; the in-ground pool took up most of the room, and also the shed and aviaries. The new place was boring, that�s when my day to day life had changed, when I was once a very active child I was now very unsocial and spent most of my time in my room, playing on the Xbox. That is also when I started to like school more, home was boring and being at school was fun, socialising and playing sports was a lot better than sitting in my room playing video games.
As for relationships I wasn�t the one for them during my time in school. I had a set of rules and I followed them closely. I knew how serious a relationship was; watching my mother�s love life had given me a lot of knowledge on how relationships can fail and how they can also become strong and unbreakable. I was biting my time and waiting till I was mature enough and had the time to support a serious relationship, I wasn�t after one of those date for a while then break up. I wanted my first relationship to be serious and work towards becoming unbreakable, I wanted to meet that one person who I could the rest of my life with. However, I knew the girls at school weren�t the type for those kinds of relationships they were too young and immature.
Chapter II: The Girl
However that all begun to change during my last year of school in 2011, when a girl begun attending the school that I was attending.
She had moved from Mackay down to Gladstone, leaving her parents behind and moving in with her uncle and aunt. Initially I had no idea who she was and I wasn�t too interested in getting to know her either, but that had changed when she had joined my group that I sat with at lunches. From first sights of her she seemed very young, I thought she was in year ten, until she had asked who was in her Horticulture class, that�s when I found out she was actually in my grade, and had introduced myself.
My first opinion of her was that she was cute; she was olive skinned with brown hair and brown eyes the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen and she always wore her hair up which I thought looked adorable. I got to know her a little bit, wasn�t too fond with getting to know her, at least nothing more than just a friend, she appeared to be the type who would be more interested in the �Alpha Male�, and that a nice guy like me wouldn�t have a chance. She also did some things that I swore if a girl had ever done I wouldn�t pursue them. The final factor was that at the time I had strong feelings for another girl, though I had no chance with her, she was already taken.
However, over the next few months of knowing her, I got to know her more, and eventually started to develop feelings for her. I held onto the belief that I should only have feelings for one person at a time and strongly refer to my favourite Johnny Depp quote.
�If you love two people at the same time, and you must make a choice. Go for the second one, if you truly loved the first, you would have never fallen for the second.�
I had told myself that I would not pursue her; I had a set of rules during my time at school, number one being.
�Never date in High School, the girls are immature and don�t know what they want, it won�t ever work out�
But my feelings were so inclined. So instead I told myself that if these feelings didn�t change within a two month timeframe I would ask her out. They didn�t change instead they grew stronger to the point where I couldn�t hold it in any longer.
Chapter III: The Relationship
On the date of May 13th I had asked her out during a Horticulture lesson, it had been the first time that I had ever asked any girl out, I was very nervous and the words I had rehearsed weren�t the ones that had come out of my mouth. I initially had a plan, she had told me a week prior that I should get a girlfriend, when I had replied I was working on it, and she offered to give me any advice that I needed. So the plan was to ask her for advice on how to ask out the girl that I liked, I would take this opportunity to add in as many compliments about her as possible. Telling her that the girl I liked was smart, kind, beautiful, funny, etc. and then ask her how I would ask such a girl out, after she had given me the advice I would ask her out in the exact way she told me to.
Instead it was something I had come up with on the spot, it wasn�t as smooth but I quote �I have thought of a thousand different ways to say this, but I am just going to say it, I like you more than just friends�, at that moment the lighting on her eyes shimmered the most beautiful colour I had ever possibly seen in my life, to my surprise she replied that it was very cute, I kept telling her how it wasn�t how I planned on doing it and that it was really the first time I had ever done it, but she kept telling me how cute she found it, she added that she would think about it over the weekend. It left me with an extra spring in my step for the rest of the weekend, and very nervous, I didn�t know what to expect.
Monday had come and I was very nervous and shy around her, it wasn�t until second break that I had actually spoken to her, that�s when she had told me yes. I really didn�t know how to react, I was stunned, I even asked my friend if she said yes just to make sure, she asked for my number and I didn�t hesitate to give it to her. Monday afternoon I had gotten home and received a text from an unknown number, the message had said �Hey, it�s your girlfriend.� A smile had quickly lit up my face as I quickly replied I was low on credit and that we would talk over Facebook. From there we had talked all afternoon, I had complimented her about her new profile picture, saying she looked gorgeous in it, she had offered to send it to me, and I had at first denied until she insisted. She asked if I could send her back one, I had told her that I wasn�t the type to get a lot of photos taken, but I would try. For the next half hour I had taken a lot of pictures of myself, trying to find the right one that didn�t make me look like an idiot. I had finally got one that looked adequate and sent it to her she replied that she loved it.
I was trying very carefully to do nothing wrong and take it as slow as possible; I was after a serious relationship. She was just as supportive telling me she was willing to take it slow and go at a pace I was comfortable with. This was another great feature about her; she was always so considerate and tolerant of me, which was great. I was the same towards her as well, trying my hardest to satisfy her every need.
I thought we hit it off pretty well, I had discovered we had a lot in common, and I mean a lot. She was perfect in every way, at least from my point of view. We had talked nonstop at school and also at home, constantly bonding and communicating. We had arranged to go see Fast 5 within the third weekend of our relationship, she was originally going to ask me out to the movies, and I thought I would cut her off, so I surprised her by asking her to the movies a week into the relationship. She seemed very excited about going to the movies with me, everything was going great, and nothing was going wrong. We even made bigger plans with another couple; we were going to go on a road trip down to New Castle at the end of the year instead of going to schoolies, just the four of us.
I was constantly getting advice from mine and her friends, giving me feedback on what she thought of me, from what I was told she thought I was great, I wasn�t like those other guys that wanted something. They also were saying what I should do and shouldn�t do, though I had taken this all in, it wasn�t that I followed their every advice blindly, I thought it through first. At the group it was great, we were talking there, having fun and just getting to know each other better. Friends were constantly trying to peer pressure me into doing things that I wasn�t comfortable with doing yet, though she backed me up telling them to stop. The group was basically the same the only difference was that I was happier; I was with someone I truly cared about and could see a future with, couldn�t have been happier.
Of course there were some problems, not that it was the relationship itself, it was mainly concerning a guy who would nonstop hassle her and flirt with her, she told me that he wouldn�t stop it and she wanted me to do something about it, I said I would deal with it, and that I did, though the way I dealt with it wasn�t of my original plan, he had come into our group during a lunch break and I had over reacted and told him to leave in a not so polite way, he decided not to leave and insisted that I force him to leave, I had instead stood down, I wasn�t going to get into a fight over this he wasn�t worth it. During the next break I had decided that I would apologise and tell him how I was in a bad mood, but I asked nicely if he would leave her alone and stop the flirting, from there the flirting had stopped.
Besides that the relationship was flawless, we occasionally complimented each other and made each other smile endlessly, I sent her some poetry, all made up on the spot, but nonetheless was lovely. Though the annoyance of always getting a reply of �That�s cute�, I still enjoyed it.
One Saturday night she had been drinking, we were texting, though her words were misspelt I could still understand, we didn�t talk for too long, but I didn�t mind, it made my night even talking to her for five seconds would satisfy me and leave me with an uncontrollable feeling of happiness for the rest of night. I had decided to go to bed leaving her with a text saying so, she sent me back.
�okaay babee good noght havee a goood dream about us n tell me about it tomz x�
This had sparked creativity, using this opportunity to send her back something sweet the next day. So as I laid there in my bed staring at the ceiling my mind was going through overdrive thinking up all the sweet and romantic scenarios that could possibly happen within a dream.
I had finally come up with a scenario and had rehearsed it over and over, so that when I awoke in the morning it would still be clear in my head. It had worked and when I got to a computer I had quickly typed it all up and sent it to her. It was my first time at coming up with these kind of sweet charming stories, tad nervous.
�We were sitting on the beach holding each other close, watching the sun set, the beach itself stretched as far the eye could see, there were no building, cars and roads anywhere, just the two of us, the sand was the most whitest, and softest sand I had ever known, the ocean was a light blue, the clearest and the sun's rays were reflecting a bright blue aura that floated above the water surface.
But even all of these features combined were only half as beautiful as you.�
I wasn�t much of a poet and I knew it. But I still enjoyed sending this message even if it made me look like an idiot.
I was the happiest I had ever been, I could go on endlessly about every little thing we did together. I really thought she was the one; she was perfect in every way that I could see. On the second Monday of the relationship, I had received a text from her early in the morning.
�with our relationship i think we should only do it at our table i dont want the whole school findin out were datin jus yeet okaay??�
The first sight of �with our relationship� had my heart race into panic, the thought of her breaking up with me was running through my head, though after reading the rest my heart had resumed normal beat. I had agreed blindly to it, knowing that she had a good reason for not allowing the rest the school knowing just yet. I had asked her at lunch what the reason was and she had replied she didn�t know, once again I had accepted that blindly.
Though from there the relationship was different, but I couldn�t tell, the messages had no longer included any sort of effort, the old smiley faces and love hearts were gone, and she had acted completely different to me. I didn�t even realise it but the relationship was over from there, the message she sent was a pre-break up, she was waiting until she had the confidence to do it.
I didn�t take that message as a pre-breakup, I was still going full speed ahead. I was trying desperately to get the relationship off the ground, but like they say it takes two to tango and unfortunately it was a one man effort, she took the message a pre-breakup and thus gave up on the relationship. Though the message started to make more sense especially during the following day, May 24th was the second Tuesday into our relationship. At this point I was starting to get use to the relationship, slowly starting to test waters and finding my boundaries. During the Horticulture class that day I had sat next to one of my friends and I had asked her how I would approach kissing my girlfriend. She had replied that it was cute and gave me the best advice she could, she told me that during your next hug you should kiss her on the cheek, and over the next few weeks get closer and closer to the lips. It was the best advice I could have gotten, now I had to decide whether or not it was the right time.
Of course it was, it was only a kiss on the cheek, friends kiss each other on the cheek. It�s not like I was asking to make out with her, it was only a small peck on the cheek. At the time I believed that, and up to the point I did it I thought it was the right timing. I was surprised for her to turn around say it was too soon. Too soon? It didn�t make any sense, but I was the supporting boyfriend and it was just better off that I agreed to disagreed, so I had apologised and said it won�t happen again at least for a while. After that I had reviewed the message she gave me on the Monday, it started to have a second meaning to me, it was a pre-breakup, or she was just embarrassed to be seen with me.
Either way it was bad news.
Chapter IV: The Breakup
Like they say what goes up must come down, the relationship had ended. On May 29th the relationship had come to a dead end, she had told me it was because of her family dynamic and assessment, she didn�t have time for any relationship, though she added that at the end of year we could restart the relationship. I had accepted that, being the type of person I was, as soon as I heard it was her family dynamic I understood and gave her space. Though this had hurt me badly, I knew that if I gave the time and space, she would come back when she was ready. That wasn�t the case.
At first I didn�t know how to react, the relationship was over, just like that. There was nothing I could do, I was devastated, and the next day was awkward, for half the day I didn�t speak to her, I was giving her space until some helpful advice from a friend encouraged me to talk to her. During the second lunch break, I had sat down and had a quick talk to her, she said that it was family issues, and she was sorry it ended the way it did but reassured me with promises of that at the end of the year we would have another crack at it, I had also asked if she was still going on the road trip and she said she was, and we finished it there with a quick hug.
It had reassured me with what she had said; that it was in fact just a family dynamic and that we would be together at the end of the year. It had made me feel better knowing that we would still have a go at it, we had still arranged to go see the movies. That was until she said that something had come up, I knew what that meant, sadly I did, and that reassuring she had given me was diminished with the thought that she was lying, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
The next day, I wanted to make sure. Early in the morning I arranged to talk to her, it was only going to be a quick talk. The question on the table was is this going to be a permanent separation? She said she didn�t know and wanted time to think; I accepted that and told her that she can take as long as she wanted and that I would wait for as long as I needed. Later on that afternoon she had sent me a text, it had said that she had been thinking about what I asked her in the morning and she said that I wouldn�t like it but she wanted it to be a permanent separation. This had made my heart sink, all that she had said, was all a lie and that even if the �family issues� were to end, she wouldn�t be interested with dating me afterwards. This led me to believe that I was the problem and that I had made a mistake.
This left me with a lot of thinking, what did I do wrong? Did she ever like me? Was I not good enough? All these and more were running through my head like a loose speedway train. I didn�t know anymore I was losing track of reality trying to play detective in my own head.
The first week was alright, we still talked and had fun, and everything was the way it used to be. Her friends who I talked to on occasion, told me that it was family issues and I had nothing to worry about, and that we made the perfect couple, give her some time and she will come back. Initially I denied that and had told them that I didn�t believe it for a second, they had quickly told me otherwise �It may seem like she is pushing you away, but that is just the way she deals with it, give her some time.� It nearly had me in tears; I felt like a dick for thinking that she would lie to me like that. The thought of her coming back was what kept me from breaking down, it was the one factor that kept me going and pushing forward.
Chapter V: The First of Many
Two weeks had passed since the abrupt ending of the so called relationship, it had left me with a lot of time to think, there were a lot of sleepless nights and my appetite was also lost, and I was still lingering on the hope of rekindling our past teenage romance. During the weekend she had asked to speak to me, my heart had lit up with foolish hope, what was she going to say? Would we finally be back together? That hope was quickly diminished when she announced she was developing feelings for another man, the fact that I knew him struck a chord; I was emotionally shattered leaving me in the dark, alone and on the tracks of an oncoming metaphorical train and those butterflies that were once in me now felt like razor wire, slowly tearing at my insides. Did she have �family issues�? Did she even like me to start with? Was she talking to him while we were together? Even the thought of her still caring when she wished for my permission to pursue him was drowned out by my sorrow; though it had hurt me I still had deep feelings for her and couldn�t bear to see her hurt so I encouraged her to pursue him and gave her my best wishes.
How could she move on so quickly? That is what was getting to me the most; of course the fact the guy she was pursuing was a good friend of mine was getting to me as well. I was just as disappointed in him as I was with her. He had asked me a day before if I still had feelings for her and without hesitation I said yes. The fact she could move on so quickly from me had me thinking again, was it me? Was I the one who made a mistake in the relationship? Or was I not good enough?
That afternoon she was in another relationship, and I was left in the rubble of a broken heart. At that point my self-esteem had crumbled; I was an emotionless zombie for the entire week. At school I had given her the silent treatment, I didn�t want anything to do with her, she lied to me, she had broken my heart and I couldn�t bear to talk to her. Throughout that week she was asking me what was wrong, she knew what was wrong, but I wouldn�t give her an inch, I continued the silence. I couldn�t believe she had the urge to ask me what was wrong, that is what really annoyed me.
I was thinking of getting professional help, it was an option that ran through my head like the blood in my veins, but I knew I was emotionally strong and that this would all sort itself out; I just had to give it time. The prize at the end of the finish line is what kept me going, the thought that I would get through this and that time heals everything.
I knew this was going to happen, since the minute I met her I had a gut feeling this would happen. If this situation has taught me anything it is to follow my instincts. Like most doctors will tell you with basically anything �Usually your first gut feeling is what it really is.� That�s exactly what it was, she was trouble and I should have realised that to begin with.
Her boyfriend was the type of person who didn�t know what a relationship was; he saw that girls were only there for their assets instead of them being there for a loving relationship, the term people gave him was desperate. I knew from day one the relationship wasn�t going to last, he wasn�t her type and she wasn�t aware of it, he was the complete opposite of her, she loved sports and he hated it, she was after a loving relationship he wasn�t.
Later during one afternoon her new boyfriend had messaged me on Facebook. He was telling me that even though that he was dating her, I should still be friends with her. I replied saying to him that I wasn�t in the mood all week, assessment was getting to me and I didn�t want to talk to anyone, which was a lie obviously. I then proceeded to show my good side, so I sent her an apology for my actions throughout the week, I really didn�t want to apologise, really I had full rights to act the way I did. She had replied saying she knows how assessment can annoy me; obviously her boyfriend told her what I told him, so I decided to tell her that it wasn�t assessment and I wrote a 900 word message and sent it to her.
The message was targeted at her, it wasn�t designed to tell her how bad she made me feel it was designed to target her every flaw, and how she had commitment issues, etc. She replied later on saying how she was sorry and that life was getting difficult for her, and that she still wanted to be friends with me. She vented out for quite some time telling me all her problems, me having a caring nature had tried my hardest to comfort her, even after all that she had done to me, to my surprise she even offered to break up with him, if I wanted, with no hesitation I told her no. There were two reasons for this, one being that I didn�t want the relationship to end just because I was heartbroken and two, he wasn�t after a relationship and I was well aware of this, I wanted her to find out on her own, it was the only way to educate her on the choice she made.
She didn�t know it but he was also chatting up another girl while dating her, I was well aware of it and I was thinking of telling her, but instead I had decided that karma would be the best option. Allow her to get attached first, then when the time came she would find out and it would affect her the most. I realise that a lot of the things I did were selfish and it wasn�t like me to do these things but, I was losing my mind and she had hurt me so I thought revenge was in order.
She had confronted me during a lunch break, at first she made it look subtle, asking me how I was going, I really wasn�t in the mood to talk to her, but I replied �good, yourself?� She replied with good and didn�t say anything afterwards, it left me thinking, what was she planning? What was she after? Didn�t she realise I was still in pain? Thankfully at that minute a friend had asked friend me if I wanted to go to the English block with him to hand in an assignment, she initially offered to come along that was until her boyfriend wanted to come along as well, that�s when she decided she would rather stay. She had then sat down away from the group, she was avoiding everyone, that proved something must have been wrong but I was still in too much pain to give her my sympathy. Why should I give her sympathy for after what she had done to me? During our horticulture class which was after the lunch break, I noticed she would constantly look over to me with a frown, she was trying to make me feel bad, I tried very hard to not allow this, but my caring nature and the feelings I felt for her were getting the best of me.
As soon as we left the class room I walked up to her and said �So you wanted to talk?� she nodded and that is where we started talking. She was saying how her Best Friend who she had up at Mackay was threatening to bash her when she went up there for the holidays, I was half tempted to tell her to go away and cry to her boyfriend about it, but I knew it must have been serious if she wanted to talk to me instead of her boyfriend. So I told her the best I could, I told her about reverse psychology, in which she tells her friend to go ahead and beat her up and that she won�t solve anything by beating her up. She did just that and it worked flawlessly.
The Nine-Hundred Worded Message
FUCK IT! I WILL TELL YOU OVER FACEBOOK
What I am about to say or vent as you will may or may not jeopardise our friendship but really I couldn�t care less this has to be done, if I hold this in for any longer I am going to explode.
I�d like to say that the reason I am so annoyed and pissed off isn�t because of you but the problem with that is it is completely all about you, all this rage, annoyance, and anger is because of you it has always been because of you. I�d like to start off by saying you have commitment issues, that is painfully obvious, whenever a relationship gets serious you get the fuck out of there, this will affect you in the long run.
This is not about us breaking up it was better that we broke, I wouldn�t be able to stand being in a relationship with a person who didn�t like me. It�s because you had LIED to me, instead of telling me the truth you had performed a selfish act, what may have been classified as letting me down easy or making me feel better, actually was a selfish act on your part. Let me refresh your memory, you had stated, NOT IN PERSON, but instead cowardly on FACEBOOK, instead of having the common decency to do it in person.
You said that you wanted to be single for the rest of the year, ONE that sounds like complete bullshit and TWO I was right to believe that was a lie to begin with, you then had decided telling me that you had family issues, though that is completely plausible, EVERYONE has family issues and we all deal with them, you just made it harder on yourself by pushing me away, now I had stupidly believed these were the reasons we broke up, HOW STUPID OF ME, but after reviewing the relationship it became PAINFULLY clear, that you never had feeling for me, it was all just some sort of selfish bullshit, you toyed with my feeling like they were nothing. YOU MIGHT of had feeling some point within the relationship, but by the end of the second week it became obvious you weren�t interested anymore, and like the idiot I was I ignored that acted as if this is supposed to happen, this might have been my first relationship but hell even I could tell you weren�t interested. The question I�ve got is ask is was it really worth it?
Fucking with my feeling, playing my heart as if it didn�t matter, if you didn�t have feeling for me or knew that the relationship wasn�t going to last, WHY THE FUCK GO OUT WITH ME?
You probably didn�t realise it at first but, I�ve been single all this time not because I couldn�t get a girlfriend but because I had been waiting for that one person who I was confident enough that would really be worth having a shot, I don�t jump into relationships without full thought, I had feelings for you for over a month before I was certain that you could be the right one for me. Boy was I wrong; you definitely had a side I wasn�t aware of.
Now you might argue back that you really did have feeling that all you said was the truth, HA! If that were true you wouldn�t had pushed me away and then you wouldn�t of gone out with Luke not even 2 weeks after breaking up, you offered to find me a girlfriend WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! You may have thought that was a nice thing to ask but FUCK it wasn�t even close to being nice, I am still recovering from the break up last thing I need is for another girl to come into my life and break my heart, I�m not like you, I don�t go out with someone for 2 weeks and make sure to have a new relationship each month.
Now you�re probably wondering why I am saying this over FACEBOOK, it�s mainly due to you didn�t have the decency to break up and apologise in person, so I won�t have the decency to say this in person.
GOOD DAY TO YOU! I don�t expect a reply from this either, it will probably be too much for you to take in.
And if you decide to tell Luke about this I really couldn�t care less he isn�t in my good books either.
And that�s that you wanted to know how I was feeling, you wanted to know what was wrong, now you know. I hope this wasn�t too overwhelming and if you don�t want to be friends anymore I can completely understand that.
HOPE I DON'T REGRET SENDING THIS, TOO LATE NOW
Chapter VI: The Promise
Eight days into her relationship she had confronted me again, I really didn�t want to talk to her, but I allowed her to get her words in. She had asked me my opinion on her boyfriend, she was being told by others that he was desperate and wasn�t after a relationship, but instead after something else. I had told her, I can�t answer that, it would be too biased; I had stated that I still had feelings for her and for me to answer the question it would be a biased answer.
She had told me later on that afternoon that she was breaking up with him, she was afraid that she was being used. I told her that she is better off doing it the proper way this time, in person and not over Facebook, she agreed. She also added that she still had feelings for me, but she promised that she was going to take a break off of dating for a year, and that she was hoping to start up our relationship after the year.
For the next few days we sat away from the group at school, she didn�t want to be near him. She thought it was awkward and he had also over reacted to the break up. I had talked to him after the break up asking if he was alright, and he said he was fine. About five minutes later he had commented on a status she had put up, going off at her saying �just because you have family reasons doesn�t mean you should break up, god! I have family issues!� her sister had quickly responded going off at him.
She had also showed me some texts he had sent her, and they mainly consisted of him trying to get her back. Messages such as he hadn�t stopped thinking about her and that he cherished every moment, etc. She didn�t find it cute in fact she was annoyed by it. She was also having doubts about the break up, but I was there reassuring her telling her how he was desperate, he wasn�t her type. She had thanked me for being so supportive, I told her that�s what friends are for, I hated saying that, I wasn�t happy with just a friendship.
A day after their break up, he was in another relationship and I had quickly texted her asking if she saw the relationship change. She hadn�t so I had to fill her in; I asked if she was alright? She had replied that she was fine and didn�t care. Though her Facebook statuses suggested otherwise with sentences such as �I knew you used me!� Surprisingly I was extremely angry at him, the next day I was planning on smacking his head in, he hadn�t showed instead he had went to his new girlfriends place and well the anger just sat there idle and faded away.
I had rung her up that afternoon, making sure if she was alright. She once again said she was alright, I told her about how I was planning on smacking his head in and she agreed and wanted me to do that. I also spent this time to wish her the best as she went back up to Mackay for the holidays. She had ran me through her schedule and said she would message me, and that if I wanted to talk I should just message her. I said that would be great, and I would do that. She had thanked me again for being amazing and supportive.
The thought that she still had feelings for me was rushing through my head. I again had something to look forward to, at the end of the year we would once again have a go at a relationship. I was happy and excited knowing that all this hard work that I am putting in would pay off in the long run. But was she really being sincere?
At first I believed it, didn�t have a choice, it happened too fast, later on before the holidays I had become suspicious, and did not believe that after the year I would have any chance. So that was my goal, I would use the two weeks from the holidays to move on, and forget about her. I had removed her number; I had deleted and blocked her off Facebook.
I had spent most of this time reading over our only messages hoping to decipher anything and everything, just trying to find any sort of key element that would suggest how this situation came to be. I had found little, but some things I came over that I couldn�t believe I didn�t notice before, for example the message she sent me about no one outside of the group knowing about our relationship, I couldn�t believe something like that could get past me.
I had also read countless websites on getting over your ex, and you won�t believe the amount of web pages that suggest that the men are the ones who move on the quickest and that the men are the heartless ones, this had offended me, the thought that people believed that men were heartless. I came across this one page though that had helped me through it a lot; he had 7 simple steps, as I read over each step it occurred to me that this was going to be easy and that in no time I would be healed.
The other problem I started to notice was with me, I was so busy playing detective in my head that I didn�t realise it was hurting me, I had the problem of over thinking stuff, I would discover a thousand different ways one sentence could be interpreted. This was affecting me, I was getting angry and depressed for no reason, I had turned every message she ever sent to me into lies and deceitful thoughts.
Chapter VII: The Broken Promise
During the first week of the next term I had ignored her, completely not talking to her. She asked me what was wrong I told her it was nothing, just tired and trying to stay focussed on my school work. This wasn�t the case obviously, I was just having a hard time moving on and I needed the extra time, I didn�t like ignoring her, she was the only person who made my heart light up with every second I talked to her, but it had to be done.
On July 18th she had confronted me and asked me if I deactivated my account on Facebook, I told her that I would tell her next lunch break, she had agreed. The next lunch break I had spent the time to tell her what was going on, I had told her that I was unsure if she still had feelings for me and that if the end of the year was going to happen. She reassured me that everything that she had ever told me was the truth. Though she did bring up something about girls and she wasn�t sure what she thought was better, dating girls or boys.
I told her I was going to unblock her and that we could talk later on if she wanted. Later on I had added her back and wrote up a quick 400 word apology, she had repeated that she still liked me but she was also thinking about the dating thing she had stated earlier on in the day. She was making a decision between me or a girl she had a crush on. Once again my heart had sunk, she was doing it again. Being the person I was, I again told her �I can�t make you do anything, you will have to come up with this decision yourself, but I can tell you to follow your heart.� She said she was afraid that the decision she was making was going to break me, I reassured her saying �That may be so, but I will get over it, just remember if this relationship you take doesn�t work out, I may still be there for you.� She said she would love that and thanked me for being so amazing.
And there it was again, heartbroken and still completely in love with her. I tried getting in some advice in, I told her that she should take this time to realise what she wants in a relationship, and I told her that this is important in order to have a potentially stable relationship. She had to realise that by going from relationship to relationship it wouldn�t help her realise what she wanted in a relationship, she needed to finally sit down and find out what she wanted. She agreed she would, but whether or not she had listened to me was another thing.
I kept supporting her throughout this point, showing her no hard feelings. I asked questions such as who asked who out? And reassured her with telling her how much I supported her and that if she was happy than so was I, that wasn�t the case it really was tearing me apart inside, but I didn�t want her worrying about me, I told her �I would rather see you happy even if it makes me completely miserable.�
�One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.�
I had never fully understood that quote until now; it was completely true it was one of the hardest things I had to go through.
Our friendship from there had hit it off, I had basically became one of her closest friends, I was trying to reserve my seat, hoping that if I get close enough I could re-establish our old relationship. Over the next month, I was asking questions, getting a lot of feelings off my chest. These questions mainly consisted of whether or not she still liked me, and for some reason she still persisted with that she did, it didn�t make much sense to me, she was in a relationship, but still managed to have feelings for me.
During this time, I was also trying my hardest to help her. She had a problem of making decisions and they always ended up badly, I was there to try and teach her my ways, the way to think before making a decision and knowing how to make the better one for her. There was no right or wrong decision, one was just better than the other. But she also had the problem of not allowing people in, no matter how much I pushed, no matter how much I poked at her, my words fell on deaf ears and she continued to make bad decisions.
Chapter VIII: The Third
The time came once again, that her relationship was over. This was where I had comforted her, asking her if she was alright, and what happened. She had told me that her girlfriend was a player and was also dating a guy as well as her. So she ended it, this left her heartbroken like me, but she added that as revenge she had already someone else lined up. I asked who it was, hoping that it was me, but unfortunately I was toyed with again, it was another girl, what made it worse was that she had only known her over Facebook and that they had only started talking the day before.
She told me not to take it to heart, how could I not? She had rejected me twice, leaving me to think that I wasn�t good enough, that even a complete stranger fits up to her expectations and that I was not what she wanted, that I didn�t have what it took to satisfy her. This also left me to think that everything she was telling me was a lie and I being the next she would date was just lie to keep me keen and loyal. This had hurt me badly; it had left me once again on the tracks of a metaphorical train.
Every night I had tried to cry, but no matter how much I sat there going through all the things she done to me, I could but manage a single tear. I knew that crying was the best way to release emotions, but I was so used to bottling up my emotions that when it came time to show emotions I could not do it. With no way to release my emotions my body was converting all my sorrow and pain into anger and rage, but that just kept building as I could not release that either.
She was digging herself into a hole, I couldn�t stand by and watch her ruin her life and continue to ruin mine, and it had to be stopped. The following day I had come up with a speech, I messaged her early in the morning saying that we needed to talk. She arrived five minutes later wondering what we needed to talk about, I was surprised by how early she had arrived at school, but nonetheless I got straight to the point. I started out telling her she was going down a dark road that she may not be able to return from. I told her and I quote this
�Look, by jumping from relationship to relationship it isn�t helping you, you are emotionally crippled and you are just trying to cover it. Whatever hole you are trying to fill you won�t be able to fill it, instead you are going to make it larger and eventually you�re going to hate yourself for it. In your current state I don�t ever see you having a stable relationship.�
That instance there went on for quite some time, it was the first time we had ever argued. Up to that point we had the perfect time together, no bickering, no fighting and no hassle. I had hurt her badly, but it was all the truth, she was just too stubborn to realise, or better yet she did realise and like they say the truth hurts the most. My intentions were good, I had to put myself into a stranger�s shoes, a friend would have sugar coated it while a stranger would just tell her how it was, it wasn�t easy, I didn�t enjoy telling her so bluntly, I had to, it was for her own good.
However, not all that I said was the intention to help her, she had hurt me, lied to me several times. I snapped at her with blinding rage, targeting all of her emotional flaws, trying so desperately to break her down. I had forgotten most of what I had said, but I was well aware that it was hurting her.
For the rest of the day she avoided me and refused to talk to me, I decided it was necessary to apologise, so I sent her a text saying that I was sorry. That didn�t work; even attempts to apologise in person were but an utter failure. It made me feel like an asshole, I really couldn�t believe I was capable of doing that, I was kicking myself in the back of the head. So when I got home I had wrote up a five hundred word apology and sent it. I then sat there endlessly worrying, thoughts of her ending the friendship or worse was running through my head the entire time, I felt lost and the guilt was gut wrenching. She didn�t reply back until she had finished work. She accepted the apology, though she said that it would take some time to regain my trust, I blindly offered a free hit if she deemed necessary, I told her that I deserved it after saying such things to her.
From there on she had acted different to me, it wasn�t the same. She didn�t talk to me as often; this lasted for a couple of weeks, until she finally started to talk to me again. Once again I had gained the title of being a close friend, somewhere I had offered to be her best friend she had agreed, though she said that her current best friend didn�t like her having more than one best friend, I had replied with well, you can have more than one, she had said that won�t do, but she said that she needed a male best friend. From there I had the new title of BBF �Boy Best Friend� which was great, though that didn�t last.
The Apology Letter
I�m sorry, what I said today, I really didn�t mean. I was pissed off okay, I lash out people I shouldn�t, and I realise what I said this morning was absolutely awful and to god I wish I could take it all back but unfortunately I can�t. I feel horrible, downright horrible for saying what I said; I really didn�t think I was capable of saying such things.
I�ve been kicking myself in the back of the head all day, thinking why I had said the things I did. I can�t believe people call me smart, what I had done today was downright the dumbest thing anyone could do. To upset you was not my intention at all; the words that I had said were not as I had planned.
All day I have been trying to say I am sorry, I am completely sorry, but you have been avoiding me all day and I understand that, because if I had someone say the things that I had said to me I would be avoiding them too. I can�t be anymore sorry and I know there�s probably no way for me to make it up to you but if you would find in your heart to forgive me. But if you don�t, I completely understand and will leave you alone.
I don�t know what else I could say; this was the biggest mistake I have made in a long time. I want to make it up to you, I�ll even give you a free shot if that would help it, and I deserve to be hit for what I have said.
I am sorry.
Chapter IX: The Jealousy
The fact she was hanging around this guy who she had stated annoyed her a lot. In fact that guy annoyed almost everyone. I was confused because when we were dating she had asked me to get this guy as well to back off, he was always following her around, and she was sick of it. Then one week she decides that she is best friends with him and says that it was a change in her mood, but moods are associated with emotions and that only meant one thing in my mind, she was falling for him.
The very thought of her falling for him felt like a knife through the heart, the guy himself was a feral, she was way too good for him, and if she was to fall for him, my self-esteem would drop to an all-time low. The pain was unbearable, it was my first time experiencing jealousy and it had hit me hard, I couldn�t stand it.
For the next three weeks, our friendship had resumed, we were talking again, except it was different, when it used to be me and her, it was now me, her and that guy. Her and that guy had become close friends, it was getting to me, they had been texting each other over weekends, when she never texted me and they also hung out on weekends, another thing me and her never did. I was jealous, the very thought had ran through my head like a wild fire, it was a fire that was sparked and had caught on fast. It had bothered me that he had already gotten further than I had in a much shorter time, for months I had tried very hard to become close friends with her, but she kept pushing me aside. I had to get to the bottom of it, she said she didn�t like him and would never date him, I was still suspicious, she had lost my trust, I didn�t believe anything she told me anymore, and I had good reasons not to.
Was she lying to me? I couldn�t tell anymore. I couldn�t tell the difference between what was up from what was down, this entire situation was getting to me, and it was becoming a huge burden in my life. Lingering on the hope that this would all sort itself out, I was becoming emotionally exhausted, I couldn�t go on any further.
During this time I had also kept a promise that I had made during our relationship. The promise was that for her 18th birthday she deserved something special, and I did just that, saving up for nearly an entire month using the spare change I got from tuckshop, I managed to earn $120. The initial plan was to go to a jeweller at the Kin Kora Shopping Centre and get her the necklace I had marked out online. However when I got there the store I initially wanted to go to wasn�t there so I shopped around and found another jeweller and a necklace that looked perfect, it had cost $89, cheaper and looked better than the original necklace. Though her birthday was still a couple of months away, I had decided to give it to her early, she loved it, and had worn it to school every day after that.
I had at one point asked her if she was still going on the road trip and she had said she wasn�t sure and that she might not be, this had left me thinking will I be able to convince her otherwise. The reason I really wanted to go was because she was going to be there, but now that she wasn�t sure if she was going, did I still want to go? I didn�t know it left me thinking on how awkward it would be for me to go on a road trip with a couple by myself.
Chapter X: The Final Stretch
The time had come when she had failed another relationship, I didn�t know about it until a couple of days after it had happened, she obviously didn�t want me to know until I had asked. I had once again comforted her, asked her if she was alright, and what happened. The ironic thing was that it had ended the exact same as our relationship ended; her girlfriend had broken up with her because she didn�t have time for a relationship, though she didn�t show it, I knew this had affected her the most, she had developed strong feelings for her and it had ended. It ended the exact same as ours had and at the time I don�t think she realised that. But at this point I was going mentally insane, impatient and unsure if I was making the right decisions. I was acting on whims and not thinking thoroughly, I had jumped the gun and asked her more questions, this time I got the shrug of the shoulders and �Why do you ask?� It was obvious why I was asking, I had a gut full of it.
Why do you ask? Those four words were a bane in this situation, like a thorn in my side. She knew why and I couldn�t believe she was being so stupid about it, it frustrated me and it didn�t help that every time I asked a serious question hoping to get a straight answer, but instead getting the shrug of the shoulders and why do you ask?
September 11th at approximately ten o�clock at night I had put up a status on Facebook.
�Why does she continue to play with my head? Sick of these mind games.�
Five minutes later I had receive a message from her saying �I don�t think I play with your head� I ignored it, I wasn�t in the mood to talk to her, she had then sent another message ten minutes later saying �hey� The story behind that was, every night around eleven o�clock we usually messaged each other starting with �hey�, once again I ignored it. I decided to write on one of her friend�s walls, she must have saw it and realised I was ignoring her, because later on around midnight I had noticed she removed me; I was in a better mood then and decided it was time to talk. I messaged her saying �hey�, she messaged back and that�s when we had a long talk, she had finally admitted that she was unsure if she still liked me in that way and needed time to think, I told her �Take as long as you need, let me know as soon as you find out, think carefully and think twice before coming up with your final decision, you don�t need any more regrets.�
The next four days were going to be the hardest for me, thankfully her new best friend, that annoying guy, was suspended and wouldn�t be at school till Wednesday so I had the next two days of her to myself, enough time to decide for myself. During Monday, I had spent as much time with her, talking, joking and having fun. Also taking the time to ask some questions, wasn�t trying to push it too far I knew that these questions would have been getting on her nerves. I was just fishing for answers and trying to notice any sort of signs that indicated she was lying.
She hadn�t come to school on Tuesday, she told me that she was going to go shopping and wouldn�t arrive until late, that was until the day ended and she didn�t arrive. Throughout the day it left me to think, the problem with thinking was that I had been doing it all year and I was having a gut full of it. For some reason the longer I was away from her the angrier and annoyed with her I got and I didn�t know why, but I believed it had to do with all the thinking I was doing.
Then Wednesday came along, they had arrived to school together and walked by my PE class, that�s when I cracked, all the pressure, all of this, the entire last four months had hit me all at once, I didn�t show it there I just ignored them. From then on the rest of the day I was a mindless zombie, I didn�t laugh, didn�t smile, didn�t have any fun for the rest of the day. Every minute felt like hours, I had finally cracked.
Earlier in the day I had been talking to a friend telling him this story, he said that some things that I wasn�t aware of, such as that from what he gathered, I hated being so nice to her, but the truth was that I hated that I loved being so nice to her. I had also filled him in with my suspicion with her new best friend, he wasn�t too sure about it, he didn�t notice.
Throughout the first break she was persistent with asking me what was wrong, I kept telling her it was nothing, I really didn�t want to talk to her, it was killing me, I was losing control. When the guy arrived at the group at lunch, I felt the piercing in my heart again, as he greeted her with poking her ribs and sitting beside her, shoulder to shoulder. My friend sitting beside them had looked over to me at that point poking a face and pointing at them to say �I know what you mean.� That had once again caused the butterflies to become razor wire. I had then decided I had enough and left the group keeping her out of my sight.
Chapter XI: The Moving On
I came up with a decision, it was a tough one to make and I knew that it could end badly. I had spent the entire Wednesday afternoon writing up a message, explaining everything; on what was going on and how I was going no contact with her. This chapter of my life was finally coming to an end. The message contained a lot of detail on why I was doing what I was doing. I told her that I won�t be sitting at the group and that I will talk to her again in a couple of months. The message was around one thousand one hundred words long, so there was a lot of information within its contents.
After sending the message I got a response twenty minutes after it was sent, she had said that this situation was hurting her too, and she wasn�t sure why she wasn�t interested anymore. She also said that I shouldn�t leave the group it wouldn�t be the same without me, I told her I had to and that I really didn�t want it to go this way, but it did. She also asked �What if later on in life, I do want to date you then what?� I replied saying �If later on in life you want to give us another go, all you have to do is ask.�
The next day September 15th, was the last day I would talk to her for a long time, both of us took the opportunity to talk about it and enjoy the last day of us talking for a while. Though the only time I got time to talk to her was during period four maths class, it wasn�t necessary for me to attend maths on Thursday afternoons, but she was failing maths and needed the extra help so every Thursday I would volunteer to stay and help her, we had done some work, while still taking the opportunity to talk as much as possible. It was difficult to say good bye that afternoon, but I managed. Thoughts of how it used to be run through my head as I gave her the final hug, all of the good times, the bad times had been drowned out by all the glorious times we had spent together.
She had also added that she would text me over the holidays, she obviously did not understand the meaning of no contact, but I went with it and said that it would great. She said that if I ever wanted to talk I should just text her, but I had already been doing that every day and normally getting no response, when I did get a response it was usually one word messages she would put no effort into it and that just showed she wasn�t interested.
I didn�t plan on texting her; I had removed her number and decided that anything that reminded me of her would be removed from my sight. I had removed lots of songs that reminded me of her and placed them into a usb, far away from my sight. There were a lot of songs I had once listen to while dating her, but as soon as it was over those songs would bring me sorrow, and thus they were stored away, until the day I was over this.
It had only been three days and I was still thinking about her constantly, not for a second was she off my mind. But I knew it was for the best. They were the most difficult first few days, having full knowledge that what I was doing could help me, but I was also afraid that it may destroy the friendship we had.
I found those days to be important, I had found out that our friendship was valuable and irreplaceable. We were both there for each other, through thick and thin, both were each other�s rocks, a stone that either one of us could lean against through any situation. Maybe we weren�t meant to be a couple; maybe our friendship was destined to be stronger than any other.
I also took this time to realise that she might have been in as much pain as I was. Maybe the reason she didn�t give me a straight answer to whether or not she liked me in that way was because she was so used to having relationships that failed and got nowhere, she had already dated me once and she was probably afraid it would end the same way again at that point she would have not only failed another relationship, but ultimately, lost one of her closest friends, a friend she couldn�t live without.
But that wouldn�t be the case, no matter what happened there would be no way our friendship could end, we had been there for each other through thick and thin, it was too strong to end, it would only get stronger. She may never realise this, even if we did have another chance at a relationship, and if it did fail, our friendship would still stay intact. She was the only person who could end the friendship, for it was too important for me. Or was I just giving her too much credit, maybe it was exactly how it sounded, that she really was using me and didn�t care.
On the first Thursday of the holidays, I had decided that I wouldn�t ever get a text from her, even after she promised she would, and I was sick of having late nights waiting for that phone to light up. She told me if I ever wanted to talk I should text her, but I wasn�t going to do that, I was sick of getting no response, she wasn�t interested so why should I put in effort? I had turned off my phone and stored it into my school bag, never to be turned back on for the holidays.
I had gotten as much help from friends during the first week of the holidays, I had told this story over and over again, to the point that I didn�t care anymore, that this entire story meant nothing. By the end of the first week due to endless advice and recalling of everything she had done to me, the feelings for her had faded, I had achieved my goal.
She was on my mind, but not as much and the thought of her wasn�t as strong. I went from waiting on end for a text from her, to just carrying on with my life, and whether or not she thought of me was not something I worried about. I thought back to the start and memories of how it used to be. Though the memories of what she had done to me had flushed out the good times, I had to stop thinking about her.
The second week would prove to be the hardest. Within the first few days of the second week it had hit me hard, I had thought that I was achieving my goal and that the two week holidays would have been enough, which was not the case. I was thinking about her twice as much, it was both the good times which brought a smile to my face, but the sudden realisation that it would never be like that again had quickly diminished my happiness and had converted those emotions into frustration and anger.
I was thinking of things to say to her when I got back to school, these were not nice things to say either. Some of the conversations that were running through my head were fully capable of destroying whatever friendship we had left. I had to stop thinking about her; I had to find a distraction that would keep me occupied and keep bad thoughts away. These constant thoughts and memories were slowly deteriorating my sanity; I was trapped in my own head, spending every waking moment in my own hell.
I was trying everything to stop thinking about it, I had tried working out, studying, playing games, and nothing was working. The more I tried to forget the more my brain played games with me, intensifying the thoughts, intensifying the rage that was so hell bent with getting out. I told myself to keep it together, just to keep pushing forward and that it would all be over soon. My own body was making it harder, harder than what it had to be, it didn�t have to be this difficult.
After a few sleepless nights of staring at the ceiling contemplating over my life, I had finally made a breakthrough.
Think this is the end? This is only the beginning. From this point on my mind was all kinds of screwed.
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